2am update: i think I'm in Mexico but I found a dennys. Everyone but this cute family of 4 is speaking Spanish. Cute family of 4 is helping me out.
i just dedicated my kegstand to your breasts
Blowjobs in the shower are a lot like blowjobs not in the shower. Awesome.
So apparently the bar gave out free condoms, which I now have a pocket full of. Why is drunk me shoving the fact that I'm single and not getting laid in sober me's face...
I don't think casual Fridays means I can go to work with dried cum in my hair...
Bro, she used the potato bongs to make French fries after. She's deff a keeper.
him and the cab driver we buy e from got into a fist fight, about which show is better, futurama or family guy.
she asked me to come back to her house where "hopefully her kids were asleep". that my friend is what i call a dealbreaker
So I bet a guy he could drink two irish car bombs faster than me and I lost. now he gets to name our first son. sory.
Is that a question you really want to ask or do you just want to tell you that I can't walk without feeling like my legs are collapsing underneath me
Nothing $200 worth of strippers and spicy fried chicken couldn't fix.
So like if I threw up in my purse is that "don't ever show your face in public again" worthy or just slightly frowned upon
My mom always wanted to raise a classy lady, it just turned out to not be her daughter.
I'm to childless and to single to be asking myself why I'm so sticky
Fun fact: My predictive text now prompts "walrus" as the most likely word to follow "intoxicated"...
Randomize
