if there werent so many compromising pictures of me in the hands of so many liberal friends, id consider going into politics
...she's taking her top off and singing songs from Anastasia. I swear to God were solumates.
his electricity got shut off. i felt like a pilgrim searching for his dick.
i woke up to him dangling his cock in front of my face
Only she could turn her genital wart appointment into a date night.
Found half of a five day old piece of pizza behind my dresser. Apparently it was drunkenly set there and got knocked down. It was such a happy reminder of last weekend.
I found a cheeseburger next to my tub once. It's there to shame you, but it always just makes me feel more awesome.
So coach him. No guy wants to admit being unsure of something in bed. It's a man-law or something.
crossing my fingers that hitting golf balls off my pourch was a dream and not something that actaculy happened
btw telling the cab driver, that took you to your booty call that is now returning your wallet that you left in his cab, that you want to hug him is awkward
I hate that we are older than the real world people now
Stop chatting and get in the fucking car. I didn't get my asexual ass out of bed just to watch you flirt and fail with someone you're never going to see again.
I still judge her for aggressively trying to get coke from my date but pretty cool that she's a black belt
Did you pee in the oven last night??
She left a cookie cake on my porch, and the frosting reads "I'm sorry". She left me an I'm-sorry-for-punching-you-in-the-face cake.
I guess you could say the date didn’t go so well since I was drunkenly Snapchatting with my ex by the end of it.
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