one two three fourrrrnication!
we were having sex in the shower and he dropped me. try explaining THAT to your concerned little brother
I'm sitting next to this guy at the bar. I wrote him a little song in my head it goes "there is no fucking chance you're getting in my pants" gonna sing it to him after he buys me another drink.
Can I sleep on your couch? My wife just found my eHarmony account.
Is it bad that now when i read ingredients in the food I eat i only read it as shrooms instead of mushrooms ?
He told me I couldn't drink an unopened bottle of water he had in his room because that was his emergency bong water
I woke up this morning with a wristband and I thought I went to the hospital last night I actually went ice skating instead
Daquari drive throughs 24 hours a day. LORD HAVE MERCY
I hear the sound of that stray bird you rescued from the kitchen but am too busy drunkenly masturbating to feed it
Pounded a bottle of Moscato in my underwear while watching Pretty Little Liars...am I really gonna be 30 next year?
I COULD BREAK CONCRETE WITH MY FOOTBALL ERECTION.
Everyone was soo nice and genuine.. Then again it coulda just been the drugs.
It was just a Craigslist hook up but she wore sweats. Where are the girls with class?
Bottom line; if I'm coming out of my bat cave to do the dishes and get a chicken wing and I have no pants or makeup on and my messy bun looks more like Santa got leprosy and crashed his sled into the back of my head then let me be. That's all I'm saying.
Did I just pee in the Taco Bell parking lot?
Yep. But do you remember wiping with my quesadilla?
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