i popped this huge zit on her back while she was blowing me. it was like a disgusting metaphor for what happened 30 seconds later.
Woke up to pictures of me cooking wings with a blow torch.
Its what happens when I drink whiskey in a sweater. It makes me feel mature and ponderful.
How do I tell my child he was conceived on a barstool in South Alabama?
how much ball-pain constitutes an emergency?
I can't believe you're asking me to think of a sincere, creative way to apologize to your penis at 2 am.
I just learned my tits were fire resistant. I should join the freakin circus
If you quit, you're not going to stick to our game plan of dead by 40. I will not be in the titty bar nursing home without you damning
Damnit.
I had to help him get his zipper down in front of his dad so he could pee in the bushes. That Is what moonshine does to you.
Whore are you.
Is that a Yoda insult or are you asking me where I am?
Yes.
He looked me deeply in the eyes and said "I don't want this to be the last time I see you.. Can I follow you on Instagram"
sober me is the one who makes bad decisions every boyfriend I've ever had I met sober
you said something about joining a k-pop band before passing out topless on the trampoline.
My new favorite word is dickbag. I think its relevant here. And I say that with all the love in the world.
I promise I won't bug you anymore, I just need the following things at your convenience but preferably soon: my earrings, cup, and panties. Thanks. Good talk.
Randomize
