I want to poop on a bird, just to show them what it's like.
why do all canadians talk like horny gerbils are stuck in their throats?
i wish that every time i slipped on a sheet of ice i had the ability to recover with a michael jackson move
Be careful there's warming lubricant on the floor. I will clean and explain later.
I took my shirt off and stood in the kitchen for an hour and a half talking to his parents about my tattoos
that wasn't rum that I poured down your throat while you were sleeping
She ditched her BF in the library to come see me wasted at a house party and i still ended up banging that rugby chick instead.
Please take a moment of silence for the fact that I still have all 10 fingers
Don't send the creepy guy a picture of your penis. That's my Christmas wish
Call me something sexy & ethnic. Like jasmine. But mystical too. Like Mermaid Jasmine. And throw Glitter somewhere in there too.
I swear to the sweet baby jesus I didn't fill your freezer with salsa and my little pony toys, but I didn't stop them either.
I climbed up on the tank of the toilet so I could take a slo-mo vid of myself pissing into the garbage can, but the base of the toilet shattered and I had to bail.
Made him watch 4 hours of HGTV then told him I was too tired for sex.
Savage
Everyone is all excited about the iPhone 7 being water resistant and I'm only concerned with whether or not it can be destroyed by salsa or cum
I asked what it takes to be a good delivery driver, my new boss said "always keep these in your vehicle" as he handed me a flashlight and a blunt. I'm going to like this job.
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