i just told my boss to make it rain at camelot later...what is wrong with me?
I woke up this morning with "guy in polar bear j.crew boxers" written on my stomach along with a 5 digit phone number...
Well he asked to have a sober hang out so i guess that constitutes as a date in college
We hadn't had sex in so long that I started queefing and then I couldn't stop giggling... I think he's mad.
Just took my pill on time for two days in a row. I deserve a prize.
Not having phil's child is good enough.
I was tripping so hard I was disappointed when I pulled back the shower curtain and shrek wasn't standing there
I bet it kind of sucks while you do community service I'm getting blown in the shower. haha
I just let my hand run under cold water for five minutes. I couldn't stop staring at it and the only things I could think about were how amazing it felt, how cool water was, and what a wonderful world it is that we live in. Reasons why I don't smoke...
I just realized that in 3 weeks it becomes sad if I make everything into a drinking game. Fuck growing up
Find me a cup with a lid so I can illegally drink in your car. I'll be there in bout 10 minutes.
We got drunk and crashed a fifty year old woman's birthday party for the food. Whoops.
Good news y'all just straight up snorted 2 adderall and I'm not a real being on this plane of existence anymore and I'm ready for finals
I love FaceTime, every time you ring me the morning after its like I went home with your one night stand too.
i need to get drunk because i'm an angry sober
Oh yeah, nothing says welcome home like walking in on your parents having sex on your bed while the dog is watching, they told me to wait until they were done...
Randomize
