I'd rather drink alone in my closet than hang out with that girl
Just heard this lady walk by on her phone saying "did everyone orgasm?"
apparently it was the return of drunk burrito sex.
Some chick just tried to plug her vodka into the wall.
As she was leaving she said "You have an awesome penis, I hope to use it again soon" I need that on a business card to hand out at the bar
I feel bad for her, but I feel like she's one of those resource-raping alien civilizations that visits planets, decimates them and then leaves. Those really aren't the qualities I appreciate in a friend. Ya know?
Dinner was cheetos vodka and whiskey. This is what happens when even your booty call breaks up with you.
You know you're drunk when you're apologizing for your asshole at 4am to the toilet. Eat shit habanero bbq sauce, you've ruined my life.
It's has to do with my genitals. Don't ask.
I also woke up in a bed soaked of pee and drunkenly lectured him on the dangers of chewing tobacco... weird night
Well you could have stayed home, played house and got blow jobs all weekend babe, but we all have to live with our decision
i was so high when i left this morning that rather than make sandwiches i threw bread and peanut butter in my backpack. a whole loaf. and a whole jar
At least get laid and waffle fries out of it you whipped basterd
Please stop calling me a pterodactyl during sex. It only happens when you're drunk, but still.
You got drunk, made toast, and declared yourself a domestic goddess.
Randomize
