I just heard a teenager say to his friend "dats my baby! i was hittin her up on myspace like gurllll. she got me steamin". must have missed the memo its 2005 and we still use myspace.
we were pretty classy up until the second keg
dad just smoked me out. he's yelling at room service for not giving him cookies and milk with his towels...we're both too high to know if thats a legit complaint.
We're learning about the color wheel. Hello college.
Drunk roommate walked in on us and asked if we wanted to go eat a sandwich with her in the bathroom.
I'm way to drunk for this play. I'm about to run up on stage and drop the main character
Listen I know you hate her for what she did but this is getting our of hand. Please please tell me where you hid her wedding dress.
I'm in the sex attic, crying, eating french toast and taco
Tonight I plan on passing out fully clothed on the table. I don't know where normal people plan on sleeping.
You have a long distance relationship and I have a long distance snapchat sexting buddy. If that doesn't describe who we are as people then I don't know what does.
Pulling on my sock literally just took me 5 minutes.. The hangover is real
He grabbed my tits and sang "you are so beautiful" to them before faceplanting into my chest
if people come over to pregame will you hide my Oreos
Jack said he hasn't jerked off in like two weeks and he's like a smoldering volcano who wants to bury you like Pompeii with his man gravy
I’ll call you later. There’s a jilted trophy wife looking for a revenge fuck at my door
Randomize
