my mario cart skills improve with alchohol. and i think my real car skills do to but the cop didnt see my logic
Just saw truck nuts on a handicap conversion van
I woke up while squatting on top of my bed peeing on my comforter and my laptop
Just violated the laws of fuck-buddyship and talked to him about my personal life. I don't like it.
Dear room mates I tried to shotgun pam in the kitchen. It is slippery. Please be careful. That is all. Love you.
wanna tell me why theres a glass of water stuffed with tamptons in the freezer?
My phone broke again .... im not really sure how im going 2 explain the teeth marks to the ppl at the Verizon store
Everyone was hooking up and I was just by myself rolling around in the grass at one point ... Which I am allergic to.
Okay I shall begin. Thank you Swedish chef
Hurrfy smmurdshy burrfst!
That is the exact response I was looking for.
My roommate was being an ass so I put everyone's drinks/shots on his tab for the entire night. Then when we left he was telling me how he got out cheaper than last time.
STDs are my biggest fear, besides whales. They're so fucking big.
Went outside and he was playing rock paper scissors with a cop over a drunk in public ticket.
Was there a condom involved? Because he was saying he wanted a kid. Repeatedly.
Bacardi 151 is like a past nightmare I'm still curious about
My favorite part was when you kept telling everyone you were being "green" by drinking straight out of the bottle so u weren't wasting a cup.
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