seriously iPhone. stop autocorrecting all my fucks into ducks. you're making all my strong worded texts look harmless and adorable.
The guy drove to our house at 6am to sell us weed. Now that's customer service.
i think i left my bra at your place
It's still hanging from my ceiling fan. Please let me keep it there.
Think worst case scenario and then dress sluttier
Yes, I am about to pass out on my beanbag with a mason jar of wine. Welcome to the south freshmen.
You know it's been a rough year when your therapist mouth is just wide open. And I didn't even get to the real issue!
He was dressed as a cowboy and he was dancing with my ex roommate. So I took his gun and pistol whipped him with it..then somehow we still slept together..
i was enjoying my post acid trip trance a little too much. i found $50 on the sidewalk but didnt pick it up. just stared at the bill cuz it looked cool.
someone picked it up and i stared at the ground where it was for probably another minute or 2
I am not exagerating when I say the thought "screw you future me" actually just went through my head
Did I really drink that whole bottle of Jack Daniels last night?
Heroically.
I woke up with a meat pie in my hand and my mouth tasting like an ashtray. I'm a catch, really!
Who looks around on a bright, sunny day and says, "you know what? Today I'm going to write gay dinosaur erotica"
The stall at this bar had mirrors all around. I just looked at myself take a shit from like 3 different angles
The girls said some drunk guy in footie pajamas was asking for me when they opened the doors. I thought we agreed you were gonna stay home and microwave me some bacon.
Remind me to do laundry tomorrow so i have something decent to take off when i get laid.
Randomize
