Is your liver wearing a sombrero yet?
No...more like a life jacket.
Having kids is risky. They might end up weird.
my house keeper must think I'm a prostitute.
Thats a flattering suggestion doug but lets be clear NO you may not put your face in my vagina just because ur not charging me a cover. sorry.
I got to stop making out with my boss at work. I think we should just get it overwith, be dissaponted and move on.
Five girls, one freshman pledge. We're like our own Make A Wish Foundation.
how bad would it be if i made his twitter my home page?
you know, even black out drunk I can always remember the exact point where I should have stopped drinking.
Apparently I walked to Denny's in the pouring rain without shoes just socks last night. Excellent.
wanna mail me your GoPro for St.Patties and I'll mail it back to you coverend in puke?
He showed up at my front door with Plan B and a rose...
Don't let me pee the bed... Its going to be one of those weekends
I just saw a raccoon get launched out of a tree by another raccoon. They have turf wars...
so i just met a former male stripper who has a lion king tattoo. new BFF? i think yes
I always know im high when I can't remember how to pee.
Randomize
