Im bringing wine tonight. Its from a merlot from nashville. i bet it'll taste like infidelity and teenage pregnancy.
The first sip always goes straight to my vagina.
at the gym hungover with vodka in a water bottle. don't say i'm not fulfilling my resolutions
He was in me and said I can't believe this happened because of facebook. MOOD KILLER.
she kicked me out for pissing in the recycling bin. I mean, is it really THAT big of a deal?
Woke up at 4:30am to my little brother shaking me. Apparently I fell asleep naked on my kitchen table waiting for the toaster to pop. 2 years of college completed and i still havent learned my drinking limit...
the lighter is IN the bong. I don't know what to do
I am not kidding you. There is an airport luggage cart overturned in my driveway. We need to stop going to the airport bar.
I can't believe that 100lb chick tackled me through a flight of stairs
The one thing I know about living in Vegas is the closest I'll ever come to being a father is singing the theme song from Full House to a garbage can while I eat an entire birthday cake.
Road trip to buy me a baby zebra..are you in or are you in?
Well, I had a dudes gf walk in on us the next morning but nothing during...She shook my hand after I got dressed and said "nice to meet you with your clothes on" best moment of my life.
The day i have a fb album titled " I have become a townie" you can shoot me in the foot and tell me to get my life together
who sends a dick pic at 3 am on a sunday honestly
seriously. and now it'll take him hours to clean up the glitter
I could definitely fill a shot glass w my cum
please don't
Randomize
