we'll hang out once this whole, "your friends are robbers and drug addicts" thing blows over with my parents.
she then came into the room and yelled I'M GOING TO BE A COCK BLOCK for 5 minutes
I just offered a homeless man a meal from McDonald's, and he replied "I don't eat McDonald's food". That is the epitome of "begger's can't be choosers."
I just almost got out my car and drop kicked this one chick over parking. Welcome to the first day of spring semester.
I'm watching ellen!
just because im gay does not mean you need to notify me every time you watch the ellen degeneres show
I was giving a campus tour, when a drunk senior came up behind me and shouted at the group, "If Jesus ain't your homeboy - get the fuck off this campus!" Looks like his religion course is paying off...
Umm... How do I tell my roommate someone shot a speargun through the wall? On a side note, cliff shot a speargun for the first time.
Your stoned with a 2 year old in the room....and that makes you want to have babies?!
Just asked my roommate if she needs one of my old pill bottles to hold her weed during our move tomorrow. What has grad school done to me?
Apparently when the cops arrived I was standing over him in the bathroom yelling, get the fuck up you piece of shit. Beer still in hand.
I never truly understood the phrase ball is life until I started having to balance NBA finals and all these men with balls i'd like to handle.
Guys I ate pizza off the fucking ground of the cab. I am the worst type of person
The police officer that arrested me Friday night just bought me a shot
My new gym is popular with trophy wives. They’re talking about yachts and plastic surgery
Learn their secrets! I want to meet men with Maseratis. The meat heads and Mustangs scene is getting old
I WILL go to space. And if we find aliens I WILL fuck one. It’s the Marine Corps way
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