We made it safely. Thanks for the call though.
Great. Don't do shady things like that ok?
But he was like 75 and lives right near mom and dad. Not a threat at all.
john hughes is dead. crushing any and all dreams of me ever being in an 80's john hughes film. bummer.
Just found my toeprints on the glass of his sunroof.
Maybe it was silver. I don't know. I was drunk sifting through my dogs vomit.
We attempted to microwave fifteen corndogs in the microwave and may have ruined it. Also there were fake mustaches on all of his appliances...he said he doesn't like drunk me.
Yeah but I was the kid who ran over your BMW and is banging your 15 year old daughter... There isn't a cool enough dad in the world to make that work.
I just debated creating a mirror system so I could play Batman while in the bathroom. I think I need help.
I already knew that. But I also don't agree with stifling creativity.
Dude, they're still mid-coitus. Pretty sure running in to high five my roommate mid-thrust is a mood-breaker.
There is not enough soap in the world to make me feel clean after last night. Im gonna need jesus for this one
Just saw a couple chasing each other on lawn mowers. Oh South Knoxville.
I found us a new booze connection and I'm writing college admissions essays. The future is bright.
I'm using her Instagram as a way to know where in town she is so I can avoid her lol
I woke up naked and only wearing cowboy boots, wrapped in a curtain that was still attached to the pole
WHY DID YOU INVITE ALEX?!?
Because she offered to bring a keg.
And also because you fucked her in an alley last week and I'm trying to be a good friend.
Pretty sure I have a sex related back injury. I'm not sure if I should be proud or ashamed.
Randomize
