Note to self. Condoms are not microwavable.
just saw someone puke all over a michigan fan. he didn't even flinch.
Just saw some airport workers running through the terminal with liquor bottles. That's my kind of emergency.
i kinda regret how quickly i gave it up to him, but i just wanted the regular fucking to begin soon. ah we made good memories.
He wore a Medeval Times crown while I gave him a BJ
Just smokin in the creek with some deer, they like the smoke, I know.
GO AHEAD, BITCH, GLARE AT MY WAFFLE ONE MORE TIME. I WILL FUCK YOU UP.
Before we rave about the healing powers of your penis, remember it nearly killed me as well.
We celebrated International Women's Day by spending $700 and taking our tops off at the strip club
The boys offered to pay but we went halfs because we're feminists
Munching saltines, sippin Gatorade, and trying not to get eaten by this small horse
LETS THROW SHIT OFF THE PORCH
Im gonna go lick parts of my apartment. Good night and be ever vigilant, you never know when I'm coming to epoxy your hand to you nipple.
Idk how much of a virgin he is but I'm tryna find out.
The vodka gummy bears are so strong. If I die of alcohol poisoning, please tell my dad it was single malt scotch.
You know those times when you're sitting down for a while and r like damn I'm sober but then stand up and r like WOAH HOLD UP.
Randomize
