She had a bottle of NAIR in her bathroom, but she clearly hadn't been using it.
Thanks for the ave Maria song you left on my phone that lasted for TEN minutes.
Ask if he wants his tooth back. It's in the freezer. In the box of hotpockets.
I need to cry about outer space to someone. Can I call you?
I still don't know why you took that job... it sounds miserable
not having any beer money sounds even more miserable
If after tonight I can still walk on my own, take me to another bar.
Is there a law against that?
Nope not at all. Just morals. But fuck it, this is college, not real life.
Three people drank on "never have I had sex in a tractor." Iowa at its best?
I feel a five day drunk coming on.
Pounding your chest saying "me Tarzan" is not flirting or even talking
the new numbers in my phone would beg to differ
I know you're on a date and I should leave you alone but about twenty minutes ago I realized I haven't been spanked in years so if you're still looking for a birthday present, you know, consider it.
My favorite part of you downing a fifth of fireball in my apartment by yourself is the shot glass in the sink. It's like you attempted moderation and were just like "Fuck this."
Do you have Pokemon Go yet? I just caught a Clefairy on my walk of shame and feel way better about myself.
The coke machine at work is laughing at me. Literally. I just heard laughter from the coke machine
If he’s halfway attractive, employed and cool with me having boytoys, I’ll marry him
Randomize
