I never said you were fat, just too fat for ME
Seriously, stop peeing all over the toilet seat. It looks like movie theatre butter.
just saw a girl with a lower back tattoo of the boondock saints prayer.. i will marry her
We hadn't had sex in so long that I started queefing and then I couldn't stop giggling... I think he's mad.
I just realized I've stolen a hat from every guy I fucked. Except the last one. Maybe there is hope for me.
Like if Robert Downey Jr. and Kiefer Sutherland got together for a bender, that's how drunk I want us to be.
She tried to sleep on the front steps of her salon so she wouldn't be late for work and these people put her in a cab to my house. She is nothing if not responsible. Can u imagine her boss finding her there this morning?
Employee of the year! :)
I ate her out for so long I might actually shit a vagina
I've officially done it all, fucked a girl wearing a twister board. ABC parties are amazing!
There was a pirates of the caribbean marathon on. No matter how much you like rum, it is NOT possible to outdrink the pirates. They always win.
We can't BOTH have terrible sex lives. Get fucked or throw him out.
For future reference.... When you take a beer out of a 6pack... You don't insert your phone as a substitute.
I woke up to a shattered My Little Pony garbage pail, a black eye I don't know how I got and no one will look me in the face. Fuck tequila.
I'm high on the exercise bike at the gym. I feel like Lance Armstrong
ARE YOU DEAD? TEXT Y FOR YES OR N FOR NO.
Randomize
