dude..why do i always have to pick up the kitty litter after you drink?
Sorry I thought I was a lizard earlier.
Herpes is a lot like Arnold Schwartzenneger. Because it always comes back. Also, because it is usually in some way in control of California.
remember tomorrow: you burned the inside of your nose with incense. it hurt.
things that need to be invented #43: vodka that also acts as birth control.
And don't be too jealous. Drinking alone watching a chick flick and masturbating isn't nearly as glamorous as it sounds
side note. good thing you didn't come to drunk breakfast. we were judged by children.
It's great when the cashier at the liquor store asks "weren't you wearing those clothes yesterday"
I don't know, Alex. I don't know. I lost my keys, my debit card, my makeup bag, broke my purse, had to have someone cut my shoe off, I have no idea where my costume is. I woke up next to the biggest douchebag I know and made out with this other guy while SIMULTANEOUSLY talking on the phone to the guy I'm talking to...
Did you know that taking off a bra with teeth burns ninty calories?
My gynaecologist hit my g-spot today by accident and for some reason I went "at least someone found it" VERY AWKWARD
I swear, when I turn 21 in four months, I'm going to carry a flask around with me, and make a drinking game out of everything.
Just kidding. Don't worry, you're getting sugar and orgasms for Valentine's day.
He just compared our sex to a grand slam on Wii fitness
You're doing it right
I have serious attachment issues. I just realized how long its been since ive smoked out of my bong and I feel guilty for dis owning it this week
Randomize
