I am a bulletproof tiger!
Haha. Nice, be careful tonight.
I'm gonna have to get my windshield replaced. Is the keg beat?
In debating whether or not it's worth getting out of bed and walking 5 feet down the hallway to go to the bathroom before I puke
So can you tell me who's underwear is on the cat?
You know you're on day 1 of your period when the new mcdonalds commercial makes you cry
I'm concerned you might be passed out on a random rooftop right now. Not concerned enough to do anything about it. Hope you're alive. Goodnight.
We are not turning the camelbak into a beer bong
What's the policy for hitting on a girl at a funeral? She seems more bored than sad.
I look like a zombie and smell like a stripper. Its gonna be a good day.
I feel like my chances would have been better if I hadn't told her "I need to fuck you before you leave."
I got us chalkboard mugs. Now whoever comes home with us can feel comfortable in the morning! I am too considerate to my one-night stands...
I left my bra and a book at his place. He's a hot Scandinavian who is into physics and computers - had to step up my game.
Can't you just imagine you've grudge fucked me so we can get past this?
If I was a guy I'd keep a condom in my pocket, in my wallet, in my backpack, in my car, in my shoe, behind my fucking ear
i mostly like you because you have a nice nose and that's an important trait to pass on to my future children
Not sure what happened last night, but I woke up without a shirt on and cereal glued to my boobs...
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