I'm pounding a vodka drink as we speak to make her interesting
remember that night jesus turned water into wine? DRUNKER.
I found a girl on our couch wearing lederhosen this mornig... I dont know if i should be impressed or ashamed
birth control should be required to get into college
My mom just set up beer pong in the dining room for family game night. and you ask why I'm still living at home.
When he grabbed my tits it felt like he was either giving me a mammogram or trying to pierce my nipples with his fingers.
Am I allowed to compare getting cum'd on the face to a warm summer rain?
Is it frowned upon to puke at Keeneland while you're betting on horses or is it just whatev
My hands are stained pink. I look like I fisted a muppet.
it's always good to have a friend that's a hairdresser, a massage therapist, maybe throw in a lawyer just in case, and always have a friend on food stamps
Also I'm sorry for asking you to shave my vagina for me last night
You did things that should be illegal to a Twinkie and asked strangers to drive you home.
don't bring your nerd jargon into this conversation about my naked body
A to Z: fucking your way through the alphabet
It'll be a kids book
According to Joseph, last night I crawled into bed and told him to pretend I'm his French maid, and then started speaking with a German accent, and referring to his manbits as "ze greatest Weiner schnitzel I'd ever seen". Basically, last night was a roaring success.
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