Chris' response to jim throwing up was taking off his shirt and saying WHO WANTS A BONER
How much time is enough between masturbating and watching little bear?
She's lying on the sidewalk wailing that she is gonna die alone, with hundreds of strangers watching us, and also we lost Kate, . Please help me
All she said to me last night is that when her eyes roll back, to release my choke hold.
i have at this current moment imbibed enough alcohol to float immerse or otherwise submerge a goat of respectable size. tequila
Maybe it was silver. I don't know. I was drunk sifting through my dogs vomit.
i asked the cop if we could stop and do a chinese firedrill.... he said no.
Just walk up to him nice, spread your legs like smooth peanut butter on toast and scream "LOOK AT MY BEAVER! LOOK AT IT!!"
Volunteering at a homeless shelter a bum asked if he could lick me cause I still reeked of whiskey. Being a bumsickle=epic hangover
So hungover. Have a black eye from where I tried to brush my teeth and stabbed myself in the eye instead. Should make the performance review I was stress drinking about go so much better.
Celebrating landing my dream job by watching zombie movies and drinking free booze in the bath. I'm like 90% sure I just won life.
Brb crying the tears of my youth
ugh I gave him morning sex and he doesn't even text me back for my bagel order
He hit me up on Grindr and called me "bro." I just have to assume that the sex is going to be bad.
I am going as Rudolph for the Christmas Eve furry orgie.
Is Santa taking the sleigh of slutty reindeer around the neighborhood again this year.
Yes. Several neighbors have requested it.
Randomize
