If he looks like a Gremlin DO NOT get him wet.
So my grandma sent me a doily for my birthday - don't ask why, I don't know. Anyways I put my bong on it, I think it actually classed up the joint.
just hang any plant up and call it mistletoe.
Captain Phil from deadliest catch died... im trying to think of a memorial fb status but "ill miss your crabs" doesnt sound right
i just put all of my beerlympics medals into my academic awards box. i would say they are my greatest achievement since college.
There is a contact in my phone named "Bar Mcntysu." this is why we need a third person to go out with us.
She is banging on the liquor store door begging them to let her come in.
Yea there's blood all over the porch but we wont have to buy alcohol for the rest of the week
How external is "for external use only"?
I'M CUDDLING WITH MY CAT AND THAT GUY SENT ME A DICK PIC. UNANNOUNCED DICK PICS ARE TERRIFYING AND MY CAT WILL NEVER BE THE SAME
Stocking up on Wasabi powder. Nobody's tampons are safe.
Homophobes nationwide are huddled in their bunkers tonight and I can't stop giggling. Could be the wine.
my brother has friends over and I can hear one of them screaming from the basement "BREATHE. FILL YOUR LUNGS. LIVE YOUR LIFE." and it sounds like he's doing some motivational speaking down there but that's actually just how he encourages ppl to take bong hits
You stole my car to go to your boyfriends. Now your parents are fucking in the next room at top volume, and I have no way to escape..thought you should know that the amount of therapy I'll be needing for this is expensive.
You're the best friend ever.
It's an interesting experience to pee while a bird meows at you.
You need to get out of the house more
Randomize
