did not feel like going to store to get condoms last night so went to her pantry and got a sandwich bag and a rubberband
did it work?
nope
I woke up with spaghetti in my mouth
This show inspires me to have sex in space
Be ready for a dog pile. On your head. With my ass.
I'm beer bonging chocolate fondue. That's how my Valentines Day is going.
She sneezed like 10 times, put her head down on the table and then laid down on their couch and fell asleep. In the middle of the dominoes game. I'll never understand why my dad continues to provide my mom wine.
I faked more orgasms with him then ever should be allowed for someone this pretty.
Must've forgot to hang up with her when I was telling Josh I plan to pop champagne if I nail her tonight. She showed up with a bottle and said "only if we can toast it with Josh"
mom is telling me the setting in which I was conceived
did you know we used to have a pool?
You would only karaoke to Spanish songs, but sang with the accent of the french candle stick in beauty and the beast.
2015 is a year for health and mental stability and alas we are not yet there so yolo
You don't know being judged until its 7:30 in the morning and you're on 2 hours of sleep halfway between drunk and hungover wearing pajama pants at an international airport while saying how proud you are that you found the airport's bar immediately and how disappointed you are that it's closed
my god I love twenty year old dicks
So I "accidentally" brought my road beers into church for this wedding
And they fell out of my pocket on the pew. Made quite a noise...safe to say I'm batting a thousand
I made the antidote to the nasty cognac. I AM THE GOD OF MIXED DRINKS.
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