did not feel like going to store to get condoms last night so went to her pantry and got a sandwich bag and a rubberband
did it work?
nope
he is a creepy guy.
yea thats what heroine does to ppl.
what part of “beer fountain” do you not understand
I told her she has a very organized vagina; somehow she took offense.
Tonights theme there is the 7 deadly sins. Greed, envy, sloth, gluttony, sluttiness, fellatio and vodka.
Just thought you should know that your brother tried to febreeze his floors with cooking spray last night.
Are you sighing at your phone and judging me right now?
I feel like my chances would have been better if I hadn't told her "I need to fuck you before you leave."
Now I'm obligated to stay and cuddle with her because the condom broke. Fuck.
The trash can in my living room is full of Popsicle sticks and my vibrator has taken up permanent residence on my coffee table. I'm not doing anything productive. Clearly.
We drove through Taco-Bell on our way to the ER
Emergency. I brought a boy home and we fell asleep, but I just woke up to him peeing against my bedroom wall. So I brought him to the bathroom but he fell over and he's sleeping in the tub. Can I leave him there? Because that's what I've done.
Better the hardwood than the carpet, right?
if people come over to pregame will you hide my Oreos?
I said, hypothetically speaking, if I was going to be having some rough sex Friday night, when WOULD be the best time for a massage, mother dear?
I just woke and had to fish my phone out of a bowl of chili. I was wrist deep in it. WHO BROUGHT CHILI TO A PARTY?!
its not chili. and you brought it.
Randomize
