the shit that comes out of a woman's mouth when she knows you can't hit her is fucking unbelieveable
omg omg i just fucked paul. i need to stop doing this kind of thing.
wait, who's paul?
exactly.
You tried to call the hospital and left a voicemail asking if you could be put on the liver transplant list as a "pre-caution"
While I was fucking her, they came in and served us both weed from a hookah. best. friends. ever.
When she can manipulate the direction of her leg hair, you know its time to leave
I just peed in the Schreyer honors college shrubbery. Thanks honors students, you're finally good for something
Sitting on the floor in my kitchen eating taquitos. Being this drunk the next day has lost its allure post graduation.
my coworker just texted me asking if i remember pissing in the mop bucket at the gas station
Yeah its great. Whenever we want a new bowl we hand it to Trevor and he clears it in one hit. Definitely one of the benefits to having a swimmer in your circle.
Well its official, I'm into significantly freakier sex than even I thought possible.
They won't let me buy alcohol in the airport until 9am. Super judgemental
Ate 5 hotdogs today. You need to get me back on my tequila diet cause this shit has to stop!
I'm laying in bed cuddling with my teddy bear and eating waffles. I need a fucking boyfriend
I am become drunk, destroyer of all worlds
Nows a good time to tell him. Just be like "yeah, I used to bang her too and it didn't work out for us either". He'll understand.
Randomize
