Important detail I forgot to tell you: leprechaun loves david bowie.
dressing as green man for st patrick's day = free drinks all night long
Unless you have figured out how to blow me through the phone don't drunk dial me.
Were going to have to vacuum the bathtub, great party
You don't want any of I have. Seriously. Its 80 proof rum that was 8 bucks for a liter. I'm afraid
I'm sure your liver is writing out a will as we speak
apparently they stopped looking at spit swabs under the microscope in bio ever since they found a sperm cell in one students sample
Sex followed by chicken and waffles... Hands down my favorite morning plans. Count me in.
Well its all fun and games until you get naked with your ex in the shower. that's NOT flirting
I shouldn't be drunk at 3 pm but alas, here we are...
On a happier note, I can fit in my old shorts. Dope does have its perks
When did we go from stumbling drunk into an ER at 3am to dinner double dating?
I just took a condom out of my purse and opened it in front of my entire family because I thought it was a wetnap. Way too hungover for family brunch.
I think I broke my toilet with my head. There are ceramic pieces everywhere. and I might still be drunk.
He took a shot of vodka and AND ATE ME OUT AS A CHASER. YESSS. I AM IN LOVE.
IDK if she's gay or not, but there is something about the way she looks at me that says "do dirty dirty things to me." I have no choice but to oblige.
Randomize
