The crowing achievement of my life is still the time I made a 3 course meal out of things I found in the dumpster.
you said you couldnt let go of the fence because your hand was molding to it.
bro im too drunk for your spanish code words. did you fuck her or not.
Oh my God, I want him to live with his face in my vagina forever.
I can't believe they didnt cut us off after we all hugged each other and started singing "were the 3 best friends that anybody could have" RIGHT IN FRONT of the bar and bartender...
Finally better. I had to use eye makeup remover to get the purple wine stains off my lips
It's been a year of occasional hook ups....this was bound to happen sometime even with your jank ovary schedule.
I can motorboat myself in this new push-up bra. I need to go out tonight.
Would you be mad if I just used the argument "I'm allowed to say that, my best friend is a lesbian"?
Never. I'm proud to help you win arguments.
The two girls sitting next to me are asking siri "Like, uh, how do you know my name?". Do I fuck with them or fuck them?
she cut her forehead open playing a drunken game of pin the tail on the donkey and now she's having a panic attack.
Pizza and koolaid didn't even make me feel better. This hangover means business
dude I don't even care if I'm getting catfished the point is I'm going to get laid. hot bitch, fat bitch, skanky bitch, i don't care my penis is having an adventure tonight regardless
You kept chewing on the empty milk carton and saying "kitty" over and over again. It was an interesting night.
He says the sweetest things but also that he wants to choke me when we fuck so it's kinda perfect.
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