Don't be mad at me. I know peeing in your drawer is 1 thing and peeing on you while you're sleeping is another, but im sorry..i love you
Going to Kmart high is like jumping in a time machine back to the 80s
Puked in a plastic neiman Marcus bag while driving. My biggest accomplishment yet
Imagine that my comprehension level is that of a 7 year old and explain your plan again
She is just sitting by the bathroom like a little puppy waiting for a knight in shining armor to take her in there to fuck her. New low?
im the best fifth wheel. all four of them separately bribed me to never speak of what happened last night
If I was gonna be at your campus for halloween weekend, I'd dress up as the masked horny fairy and give out condoms. I'm so thoughtful.
the only good thing about going home with him was that he was prettier than me.
Dude Carly, it's like, inconvinent how often you cause me to have an erection
like, is this a date?? I'm sitting on his couch drinking a juice box while he makes taquitos in sweat pants
Not to play devil's advocate, but, considering how our species has evolved so far... I'm kinda rooting for the sun on the whole heat death thing.
He took me out to dinner to tell me we had to stop fucking so randomly
Honestly wish he pleased me as much as queso does
You told me not to tell you found out you're pregnant..
My dad told me that my grandparents are giving me $20,000 and my actual response was "do you know how many kittens I could buy with that?!?"
I'm like a camel in the desert in a black hole I'm so thirsty.
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