Last nIght I drank wIth the new guy from fellowshIp & my pastor I've known sInce I was 7. It was agreed by them that I had nIce tIts. I'm not weIrded out In fact I'm flattered...
i always forget that thursday isnt the weekend in the real world
We just stood on the porch wondering how you managed to puke up a whole piece of bologna
My cousin had a baby so we have to look at it. Apparently the event is byob
Did you spray paint that captain morgan fifth that's in the freezer gold?
You tried to luge a beer down a flip flop.
They just caught the deck on fire and I ran out with cups off the beer pong table filled with water from the toilet. It was the closest water source.
What if our hands were octopus tentacles?
You're an idiot.
I got drunken sympathy for the whales' plight last night and signed up to give $50 monthly to Greenpeace. Calling to cancel was worse than the hangover.
Hear that? That's the wail of a dying whale. Murderer.
He also turned out to be underage (the fucking liar) so we had to get drunk on cooking sherry
Dude. Once again. Cleaning house. Found weed I hid from myself a month ago. Celebrating/testing it out. if i dont text back in 10, call dominos.
He's pretty cool once you ignore the fact that he's trying to get into your pants
I might attempt to pee into a cup while driving. I'll let you know how it goes.
I'm currently sitting at your kitchen table eating chicken nuggets that I dug out of the trash and thinking about how much I need to get laid.
you're telling me you don't want to have sex 30,000 feet above the earth?
Randomize
