I'm eating tomato paste and drinking banana juice that is expired. Can we please get groceries tonight?
I made him tell me how he proposed to his wife before I'd bang him. I have a problem.
So i'm in a museum and theres a punch bowl from 1765 with a picture of 3 men forcing the 4th to drink the punch bowl. Colonial hazing
wore my lacy blue thong that says "hello there" across the front today for my gynecologist appointment. I live to make people uncomfortable
College is the ONLY place where you can pass off morning sickness as being hungover. I'm currently pouring beer in a spray bottle so I can spray it on myself and smell drunk.
I don't see what kind of idea someone could get from an envelope covered in jesus stickers and a note from a person and their dog. I'd say crazy person alert before flirting.
It's like if a cloud had tits and you laid on them.
He stopped responding after the animal pictures... I do this EVERY TIME.
my vag sweat smells like doritos
so now that we're not dating you have to stop sending shit like this to me okay?
He wanted to watch the vow, cuddle, and not have sex. An upgrade is in order.
It's ok, I did squats with my bottle of wine before I opened it. That counts as the gym since I won't be getting there haha
I promise that I won't shotgun beers with your boyfriend this time, Scouts Honor.
All i remember from last night was that i was sitting on the toilet for a good hour eating a philly cheesesteak hotpocket... then i woke up... in my bed.
That was the most spiritually awakened shit I have ever taken.
I'm really sorry I called you a "smug, arrogant, boyfriend-fucking piece of defecation". I was super drunk.
I was going to be mad, but then I remembered you don't use autocorrect and spelled everything correctly and I was kinda impressed.
Randomize
