just walked by a lingerie store, the sign out front, "Specials for Father's Day", in no way is that just not wrong.
I just set a weed brownie on fire in the microwave.
Successful day.
he was actually really polite. he asked before he came on my chest because he "wasn't sure my stance on it".
Eating hibachi. The chef is squirting sake into my mouth with a ketchup bottle. Happened twice, more to come.
let me put it this way. im never saying "join in or get out" again unless i know whos in the room.
I took your shirt off for you after you threw up on yourself, read you the ugly duckling, and then tucked you in. you better fucking love me, jackass.
bleeding from the face, sitting in a shopping cart and holding a wad of ripped caution tape. what else would i be doing?
Between my vibrator and my iPhone carpal tunnel is inevitable.
I cried singing "call me maybe" on the way home from the bar. What the fuck
i swear, you were born with a blunt in one hand and somebody else's wallet in the other.
Shut the fuck up. It's not the end of the world. Now come get your asshole bleached with me or we're not roommates anymore.
I'm 2 weeks in to my all dick and carb diet and so far I've lost 2lbs.
HIS DICK IS SO AWESOME DUDE. 15/10 SURPRISE
Think I was still drunk when I woke up cause I went and bought a mandolin
would it be awkward if i bring my husband?
only if i fuck you in the bathroom while he's paying the check
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