Did you know Kal Penn works at the white house? That's almost white castle.
i woke up to her playing with my penis. just wiggling it around and around. awkward night? i would say so.
The police are arresting two women who got in a fight for the last Twilight DVD at Best Buy. Classic.
Everytime I cough, my tampon falls out a little bit. Does this mean I'm loose?
She texted me and said she was fingering herself. Don't respond to this because she's the perfect girl. I'd love to smell her cell phone after that.
I assume you meant to text someone else on your contact list instead of your own mother...
My penis hasn't been this frustrated since I was like 13 and I awkwardly got boners at school dances
I'm currently using two paint brushes as chopsticks to eat lasagna.... college.
her boyfriend dumped her for my exgirlfriend. so filming our hookup is pretty much a definite.
I'm pretty sure there was a language barrier but he knew what "harder" meant.
I feel like I've been drunk all of June. And I am in NO WAY ashamed about it.
Last night all you did was whine about how you needed something new and exciting
Is THAT why I woke up with dreadlocks?
Yeah well, last time I said I wasn't having a big night I was being strangled in somebody's spare bed
Blacked out and showed everyone my nudes. They toasted to my nudes, and I got an outstanding ovation.
Remember that St. Patrick's Day when I fucked your married coworker in his truck and the whole bar was chanting for you "Don't fuck Mike"?! #TheLuckOfTheIrish 🍀
at what point last night did i get this tattoo of an anchor made of dicks?
around eleven
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