The bar is so dead the tender gave us free shots for staying. They mixed 2pac and phil collins. That's worth at least three shots.
u know u need to get laid when watching mike wazowskis gf from monsters inc makes u horny
I made out with four boys last night, AND EXCUSE ME WHILE I COUNT HOW MANY GIRLS.
I just spent all my babysitting money on red cups and beer.
People still let you watch their kids?
i almost burnt down an apartment complex. little busy, get back to you later
We are in Florida for 3 days. The people in charge of shit brought: a waffle maker, a cheese grater and a SEWING MACHINE
AND NO VODKA
Who are you, and why are you in my phone as Elf on the Shelf
I woke up this morning with a text from my mom as to why the hell random people were showing up at the house. Turns out nobody came to our house party because I gave them my old address, fuck pre-partying for real
i need some magic done to my vagina
if i seriously got my dick up last night, then im taking him to disney world cause thats just fuckin impressive
EX BOYFRIEND'S TWINS WERE BORN TODAY. THIS CALLS FOR A MARG.
Can't believe we're making vacation plans with the guy we had a threesome with
Conversations really do change when your social worker had your dick in her mouth the other night.
Drunk. Send nudes. Just curious.
I need mimosas to revive my soul
Randomize
