you're like the Neil Armstrong of terrible hookups, you are a pioneer
He played with my vagina like it was a turntable
He told me the hand job I gave him this morning was "lovely".
Dear God. I kissed a man tonight who was born in 1936.
Am I texting you while being used as a stripper pole by two half-naked women? hint: I am.
hahaha lucky. I'm fishing with some dude I just met when I woke up next to the mohawk river
As usual, I had to fight him for his car keys. Though this time he made it to the valet garage. All the Hispanic attendants gathered around and watched. Felt like I was in a cock fight.
Im walking to an ob gyn practice session right now. Literally have to get face first in a middleaged vagina in 10 min.
He drank his beer out of his own shoe. Its his "party trick"
About to be a 4Loko vomit fountain in 45 seconds, what color will it be? Animated birds will fly out of me.
This is the I'm sorry text for running around yelling don't shit on my rainbow, end up in the fetal position crying at 4 am in my car because someone shit on my rainbow
I was masturbating and a roofer walked past my bedroom window.
I'm shotgunning a meatball sub and watching flip or flop. i have reached a new level of singledom.
Remember the time you cried about coconuts
please god let this picture I just uploaded not have my vagina in it
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