I'm pants shitting drunk right now
Helping high family members not look retarded is what family is for
I was in bed at 845. Affairs take a lot out of people
who knew i was capable of sobriety and human-like emotions all in the same night?
He puked, did more shots, and then pissed in a drawer. We thought it was bad enough and all of a sudden...boom-clothes come off and he passes out with slippers and a styrofoam hat on and a guitar hero guitar in hand pretending he was slash.
This wedding is gonna be a disaster. I already had to turn down one of the groomsmen who offered me $100 to sleep with him next wknd.
Too low?
Yes.
I'm not driving across town for three thrusts and an excuse
I dealt with the imported moonshine, but when the cocaine came out, I had to get the fuck out of there
Jesus, you make out with one twin then sleep with the other and suddenly they don't want to play soccer with you... So sensitive...
But don't thank me for faking being asleep, if I was the real wing man, I would have left the bed
I'm going to invent an ap that tests your stress levels before texting and will say something like "nope, go rub one out and try again in 10 min"
Currently tripping balls and watching Pink Floyd the wall and I'm crying during it. If this isn't a self realization then I don't know what to tell you.
Dude why can't I remember anything after walking in from my first beer bong?
It was immediately followed by your second, third, fourth and fifth
Lets just say the phase, What a dick, has a whole new meaning at the urinals.
Can’t. It’s taco and dick night.
Randomize
