I'm fucking your sister right now.
You motherfucker
She's next.
his personality makes his face look like an asshole.
I kept waking up & seeing my Goodfellas poster and thinking it was a window with people crammed against it staring at me.
I guess the lighting in my room made it look like they were moving. I remember telling myself that they were watching over me and protecting me from the cops
I told him that all frat guys do it... it was that easy to get him to go down on me.
like a sex slave...but with a better dental insurance plan
Convinced lucas all the eggs in the fridge are fertilized and now he's crying.
How am I supposed to stop smoking pot when girl scout cookies are being sold.
Did the vodka turn my hair yellow or did something else happen last night?
no one ever believes me when I try explaining to them that your straight. I'm all like, "yeah that's his girlfriends dress he's stretching out"
Ask me who hasn't showered since Sunday and just got cruised at the gas station on his way to work. I'm a terrible gay.
I love getting kicked out of places. Its like winning a little league game
I should not be allowed to be in possession of a fifth and a phone at the same time.
I don't have the resources to adequately explain this. I need like a Powerpoint presentation and also Vodka.
Today I made my parents proud-spent the afternoon floating around in their pool drinking beer-which I would ask my nephews to get for me out of the fridge
I just spent 45 minutes and a really well-put together Power Point trying to convince her to use my dog as baby Jesus in her church's play.
Randomize
