So when jo picked me up from the bar I kept apologizing and kept telling her "I'm just a wittle donut"
i feel like pocahontas...the disney character not from real chance of love
So when you said you wanted to make a clay replica of my boobs and hang it above your bed you actually meant it?
I'm riding shot gun after Shawn took a dump in a happy meal box because we were making record time.
Well I just put wine in my tea
cops woke me up on the sidewalk and asked where my shoes are.. fuck if i know, im sleeping on the sidewalk! actually i didnt say that, i just cried until they gave me a ride home.
Sending emails to my new boss whilst unable to move from the toilet seat because of alcohol. Great start to a new job as a school counselor.
Do you think it would be a margarita if you just out tequila in a sonic slush?
All I remember is grabbing a random guys dick at the bar and him just saying thank you and us taking a shot together
There is an unwrapped tampon, a condom, a rubber chicken and a slim Jim currently sitting on our dining room table.
he brought with him gifts of cookie dough and penis. upgrading our relationship from fwb's to bf/gf was an incredibly smart merger.
Blowing a married man is so much more important than a 12 year olds basketball game.
Congrats you've received dick pics from an Olympic silver medalist
I REALLY NEED TO STOP CELEBRATING THAT FUCKING HOLIDAY
I just had drunken sex with an eagle scout behind the boy scouts of america building. what has my life come to?!
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