I wish the iPhone would register texts from 11:59 as "Last Year" instead of "Yesterday."
It's 8 am and he's already trying to get me to make out with a girl.
Then I received a text in French, that roughly translated to "all you'll ever be good for is sex on the Internet"
Oh god. There is a bite mark in the bar of soap. Please tell me I was not that wasted.
Ohh god. I'm so nervous. This is terrible. He just introduced me as "the best girlfriend of his life" and Jenny as his "sexual roomate"
They ran out of ice at the party, so I fixed my drink with frozen broccoli....the show must go on!
why is there a chinchilla in our apartment, and where did it come from?
question nothing. DON'T QUESTION A FREE CHINCHILLA.
Kyle found me outside his apartment in the hallway. Said he didn't hear me knock bt smelled alcohol through the door. I'm sucha bitch to my liver
Your anal douche was on bathroom counter. Now it's in dumpster. Not ok. I am mad. Very mad.
For breaking and entering. I think neighbor dan cared more about me puking in his backseat than the surprise of me waking up there
I come from a long history of big boobed German, Swedish, and Irish women. And then there's me. Mother nature was like "Naaaaaaah."
It was the needle in the haystack of teary, unpleasant handjobs.
I wonder how vigorously I can jack off in a one person tent without being noticed???
I was high as fuck laying down in the back seat while she gave him head. Most awkward chill moment of my life.
Man, I'm never going tanning again he noticed the burns on my ass
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