what happened last night??
everyone saw ******'s vagina
and that's just the beginning
If you want her to think you're a true humanitarian, you may want to stop referring to Hands Across America as "the Ghostbusters 2 of fund raisers."
Wow i just got reported to security for being a homeless person trying to break into the library.
I took her to see 2012 then broke up with her, the movie was a metaphor.
How are you feeling today?
i could've thrown up on command at any point today...
WHATEVER CLASS IS PLAYING "TOOT IT AND BOOT IT" AT 8:30 IN THE MORNING, I WANT IN.
there's sperm and chicken noodle soup everywhere
It never makes you rethink your life choices when you're breaking into my apartment at 3 am to take a piss in my kitchen sink?
Found our threesome girl. She says I'm pretty. She doesn't know I'm pregnant. Yet. Think we can pull it off?
I've reached too hung over to move status will you bring me something to drink?
I moved out 2 weeks ago remember?
Can you ship it to me then?
Imagine cans of beer raining. Like not hitting you and hurting you. Just gently falling into your hand whenever you're sad
At least I got to make out with you a little before you proposed.
Did you mean to say flashlight? Or did your grandpa really give you a fleshlight for your bday?
My boss asked me to pass over one of my business cards and instead I had condoms fall out of my wallet, how’s your day going??
Like at first he was barely doing anything. So I was like harder and then holy shit he's like going all HULK SMASH on my vagina. I mean it felt fucking awesome. BUT STILL
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