No seriously, I have to sell the house because my wife found out I'm gay.
She started crying while we were cooking shrimp because 'Under the Sea" came on Pandora
i was taking a dump when this random girl ran in, puked all over my lap, then passed out on the floor
did you bang her?
seriously?
He dumped me and I don't wanna fuck his best friend for revenge. Is this what maturity feels like?
Used my phone to vibrate 'eye of the tiger'. It's like Rocky is punching my nuts, but gently.
I fucked my cousin and caught chlamydia this year. I can't really harbour any illusions about myself anymore.
Tabs I had open this morning: "15 hedgehogs with things that look like hedgehogs" and an unexplored google search for "how do I express my love of tacos"
You played Frank Sinatra today after we had sex. You moved way up in my literal book of men. Congrats.
god it feels good to gold a bottle of opiates again.
I think that typo was actually more appropriate than what you intended.
I told him I was gunna have sex with him in both of our cars at the same time.
I don't know if apple cider everclear was such a good idea
you told me your favorite colors were "pink" "no pants" and "Mexican food"
On another note, I think my upstair neighbor is having sex. How awkward would it be if I showed up to her door with a bag of Chipotle?
My mom purposely got me drunk so I can stay at her house bc "we don't spend enough time together." I blacked out anyway, so we didn't spend time together regardless.
Why would I want a relationship when I’m the side dick for my boss and a few women from the gym
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