i havent had this much fun since the last time i farted and it created a boner.
It feels like I shit a light bulb that shattered on the way out.
The cab driver just finished telling me how leaving community college after one month was the best desicion he ever made.
I just gave my patient permission to swallow while pregnant. She was so embarrassed to ask...but her bf was really happy with the answer.
judging by the mobile uploads you added of me last night, we cant keep living this way.
Had a drag queen carry me to the car. So I'm told...
Totally just met the chick getting nailed in our lobby last night. Should I bring it up?
We get an extra hour of sleep. That means we can take an extra shot tonight. Sound logic. Thank you daylight savings.
Really uncomfortable with the level of eskimo brotherhood at this family reunion
well i mean, we just followed them into an alien and astronaut party. there was tin foil everywhere
IM GOING TO SIT ON YOUR FACE AND CHANT 'I BELIEVE THAT WE WILL WIN'
He claimed he was the best ass eater of the south. He was right.
bitch dont make me pour hotsauce in your vagina
I'm watching Netflix with my cats and eating homemade bread. Everyone and everything can go and fuck itself.
If I make it through this whole bridesmaid process without anyone knowing that I actually hate everyone but the bride, including the groom, I deserve a complimentary bottle of vodka.
Randomize
