So tired and we had a cokehead in the salon today making us bleach her whole head because she thought it would let her pass her drug test for custody of her kid
Oh.My.God.
My mom just told me that the key to a successful marriage is never seeing your partner take a shit.
Yes. Being a lesbian's wingman is a fun as it sounds
Of course it's dangerous. Why else would they hire us after we failed the drug test?
when i was alone, his dick was there for me...
Turns out he's old enough to be my dad. I'm so excited. I've never had a sugar daddy before. What should I ask for first!? Want anything?
He got a new tattoo in prison. It's actually a good tattoo, making it that much harder for me to hold out until he's off house arrest.
I used the light from the first guy's text notification to be able to snapchat the second guy in the dark. I am too good at juggling guys.
I just figured out the time exactly by how many shots and beers that I've had since this morning. I either have a terrible problem, or a great solution.
DOUBLE NIPPLE PIERCINGS ARE HORRIFYING
Was your wine and cheese snap taken from the toilet?
Visions of polite missionary are dancing in my head right now kinda and it alarms me
aloe plants are like gummy bears with an exoskeleton, but with healing powers instead of deliciousness.
are you on the drugs???
Your shit was massive.
I'm not 100% sure how to respond to that.
If you were in a "who has the massivest shit contest", you'd win by a landslide.
Look. All I'm saying is that if the USWNT can win a shit ton of medals and have two gay love stories with happy endings, there's still hope in this world
Randomize
