So this text is costing me two dollars because I'm out of the country, but I just wanted to let you know it went well with the stripper last night
he screamed my twitter name while we were having sex.
and he thought i came like four times in 2 mins. my leg just kept cramping up
and then you yelled "out of the way, i'm a lifeguard!" and everyone let us through
PS August 29 of last year was when you ran over my foot. Facebook just reminded me.
He said in a slur "I go so hard, even when I..." and cut himself off by projectile vomiting all over the ice luge.
If sitting in the car passing a flask back and forth because the bar we go to is having some power issues on Christmas eve isn't Christmas spirit, then I don't know is.
Just pull your dick out and wink at her, its a game changing play
The thing i'm gunna miss the most about college is peeing while brushing my teeth in the shower without being judged. You just can't do that anywhere else
You know it's bad when I can already feel tomorrow's hangover before even drinking today.
I can't hookup with a guy in my car because it smells like Taco Bell..
Next time you have him paint you an outfit so you can do you walk the street naked TAKE A SHOWER BEFORE YOU GET IN THE BED. MY sheets look like like an acid trip
My party ended early and I have a mountain of shrimp and weed
I just want you to know that watching you throw up out of a cab in the McDonald's drive thru was probably the highlight of my night.
Came up to an intersection and someone was blasting My Chemical Romance at like 9 AM. They're DEFINITELY having a good day
Randomize
