My dad just called from upstairs on the house phone to tell me to bring him a beer. You tell me how I am.
there was so much ham clogging the tub drain.. he said it was ok he has a cleaning lady
Dude, its flawless. what could go wrong?
Jail. That could go wrong.
Is it uncouth to have a themed intervention? I know how much you like Star Wars.
How did I end up in the pool?!
Welcome to ASU
So I went tanning and I burned my boobs.
They're like sad pomegranates.
Ask him to get me chedder bratwurst instead of the molly
Unless if you guys already left. Then I want the molly
YOU MAKE ANAL SEX SOUND LIKE A SPORTING EVENT
walked into my roommates bathroom to her throwing up a quesadilla while singing come on skinny taco
Obviously last night's theme was "Let's Make Bad Life Choices"
I haven't had sex since the Vanilla Ice concert
Please don't have sex ever again just so you can say that forever.
I'm pretty sure I just won at life. I touched the bushy tail of a squirrel while he had his mouth full and was digging in a plant on campus. That is all.
Sorry i ignored you for so long. I think my vibrator is broken.
I think I left my bra and my crocs in your room
Look. All I'm saying is that if the USWNT can win a shit ton of medals and have two gay love stories with happy endings, there's still hope in this world
Randomize
