He's got a pretty small dick but he's a total sweetheart. I'm gonna buy a new dildo and just deal with it.
I thought the one perk of the low caliber of men I've slept with thus far in my college career is that I would never run into them in the library. I've been here for ten minutes and we're on number three.
i mean, some people chug beer and some people chug hard liquor. some people have good ideas and some people have bad ideas. it's all about perspective.
I fell asleep on the table at Denny's. Told the waitress to wake me up when my burger was there.
I just ate a can of beans for dinner so I can afford to go get a 5$ bottle of wine. I really did not think these choices would still be necessary at age 25.
It's 9am. I'm four lines ahead of you already. Wake up.
Lazier than spoon feeding yourself popcorn and debating adult diapers so you don't have to leave the mentalist marathon on tv?
Your friends turned off our power in the basement and when we went to turn it back on I got sprayed in the face with a fire extinguisher. FYI.
THERE ARE SO MANY ALCOHOLS IN MY BLOOD RIGHT NOW
Just so you know, classy bitches change the morning after in a CVS bathroom.
My heart is swelling with pride right now. I fucking love you.
He was just lying in his underwear like a present. I had to unwrap it.
Just used my eyelash curler to open a bottle of cider...
I wish you could see all the crumbs in my bra....it looks like Hansel & Gretel got lost in my cleavage.
I'm gonna tell the medical examiner that your cause of death was over-arousal.
I'm in love. Her name is Jamie. She's beautiful. She punched me in the face.
Randomize
