I was so drunk last night i ate cereal with a fork.
I feel like my life has just been one 21 year long episode of "i shouldn't be alive"
The bridesmaids just went smackdown on the floor, over the bouquet. I saw nipple. Best wedding ever
This just became a night full of adventures...and by adventures I mean hitting people with my car
Jen's arm is stuck between a wall and her bed. She's naked and needs someone to go help her.
My chest hair is, as we speak, arching upward to embrace my neck beard. The union will be a storied one.
You were drunk it couldn't have been that bad
I've never been drunk enough to enjoy getting a blister on my dick.
I just tried to order ice cream on my bagel. I think I should just call it
Some dude with an OSU jersey just kissed him in the face in front of everyone. I should mention he's wearing a Panda costume. And has already been offered $20 for his suit by Plushies for oral sex.
She brought me back a blanket from Mexico, then we had sex on it
My brother really should've known better than to make me go egg hunting with his daughter when I was entirely too drunk to do so. Threw up in a plant in front of her.
THEY DIDN'T THROW MY PORN AWAY!!!!
I don't think I'll get invited back. I drunkenly told her that her kids would be perfect for a pro-abortion campaign.
Going on a first date tonight...pros: my boobs look amazing. Cons: my abortion isn't until next week.
HILY FUCK HES HERE I HAVE MONISTAT IN ME HE SUPRISED ME
Randomize
