in jail i did the beyonce ass shake for the police officers & called Sally from my collect phone in my cell & started singing "im in JAAAIL IM IN JAAAIL",
Dude this girl just said she'd take me to pleasure town while giving me head
Will Ferrell is probably jerking himself off somewhere wishing he was you
he let me duct tape his mouth because i said it was my fetish, i really just wanted him to shut up
please dont pick me up from the airport dressed like a terrorist.
Even his old football coach jokes about how big it is. I don't want to be alone in a room with him and that monster.
Holy fuck, spaghetti burritos are the best idea I've ever had.
I can't drink with the moms anymore. All they talk about is lactating.
yeah...that's gonna come up in court
I took a hang over nap infront of the door to my 9am class
He just subscribed to one of my Spotify playlists. The next step is sex.
Yeah we do. It needs to be like a good penis- long, substancial, and able to make people cry.
People have been asking me if I'm going to the reunion lately. It occurs to me that everyone wants me there to feel that much better about themselves.
I can't control his boners. I can only encourage them.
Puked up breakfast after doing my first minze shot in a while, but that shot was to Trump losing the election, so it's all good.
You remember my neighbor with the perfect ass? It's even better in assless chaps.
Randomize
