i cant believe jose lima did steroids
apparently the kind that make you shitty at baseball
Life lesson: When you compete in an impromptu "bloody mary chug-off," in the end, no one wins.
she woke me up with a blowjob, mickey mouse pancakes, a mugshot of my ex in county jail, and tequilla. Do you know if she fucked someone behind my back or did i win the vagina lottery?
I will come over now to take full advantage of you in your vulnerable state.
Fine. I should warn you I just threw up in danas fish tank. Fish are dead. Livers dead. I smell and look like a dead animal. And not showering. So deal with it.
This is the weirdest negotiation ever.
This is what happens when two people with zero shame try to argue.
I walked out of the bedroom naked holding a used condom only to be greeted by half of my family. Happy birthday mom
We need more drag queens in our life I've decided
Someone please drive out to my house to bring me a beer.. There are some in the fridge but I just can't get up
Yeah I had this grand plan to bring flaming dr pepper shots to some girls and say "these shots are hot, but not as hot as you" but instead I lit the bar on fire
Yo. What's your name again? You put "don't tell your landlord" as your name lol
Awk moment when I forgot to tell my hookup about visitor parking so he got towed
Just for the record, I did not have sex in your bed. Happy 4th of July.
Where is everybody?
It's pretty much split between the strip club and jail.
I'm sorry I crashed your motorcycle and watched you get robbed from a rooftop. Will you please come back or at least drop off my shoes?
He ate me out in a golf cart while I watched the sunset. You are so right, golf skirts do provide amazing access.
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