im going to live freely with my legs opened and my heart closed
I can't wait to get all this Makers out of my shoe.
I'm watching this guy on intervention hospitalized for liver damage. He's drinking the hand sanitizer in the hospital room. Say hello to your future.
Is it weird being in the house without any roommates?
Nah, just masturbating louder
I saw a stripper quit while on stage to months ago nothing you tell me will amaze me
So essentially hes paying me $150k/year for the rest of his career to not have sex
SERIOUSLY? WTF! why cant I find a super hot, super gay, super conservative christian NFL player in need of a beard?
She frightens me and turns me on at the same time. She's a keeper
Restraining order pending?
I blame it on the rum. It keeps jumpng doqn my throst.
Our first crop came in on the day that they added Hercules to Netflix Instant, I think it's the universe telling us that it approves of us growing shrooms in our guest room.
I'm seeing double so when I get home can we have a threesome?
I was too hungover to read the menu. I literally pointed at a picture of an advertisement and handed the cashier my card
I pretended to be blind and he pretended to be my assistant and long story short, we had to buy that bra and panty set, and now we're both banned from Victoria's Secret AND I have a cum stained demi cup.
I've decided if you aren't here in fifteen minutes I'm leaving you for Mario the 75 year old Colombian bartender.
OMG I accidentally abducted a cat. Now there is a cat in my apartment. I NEED TO UNDO WHAT I HAVE DONE
We are back but we are listening to stairway to heaven in my car. Amy is air drums. Be back when it's over.
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