I cheated on you last night. I slept with my laptop.
Why is it that you only get to have sex when you haven't shaved your legs in six weeks and are wearing period stained granny panties?
we are driving next to a guy driving and masturbating while looking at a naked magazine. I love LA
We sat in your minivan all night in a parking lot pretending we were in the magic school bus going to the sun
we went to sleep in different beds and woke up spooning. alcohol truly is the anti-cockblocker.
I remember seeing LSAT prep books and thinking "Whose room is this? I should be hooking up with them instead."
you were crying and trying to give advice to people.. that's was a new level of drunk for you
yea i really dont care about the sex, i just want him to eat my vag. He has to be good at because of his tremors.
The cabbie told me fat girls shouldn't wear tight clothes, and that he feels bad for the guys that have to be underneath them, especially because their positions are "very limited" and proceeded to ask me if I had a trash can and if I could throw something away for him. Don't worry though, he promised it wasn't anything "bad". He then handed me a tied up grocery bag with a bunch of wadded up Kleenex that weighed about 3 pounds. To answer your question, yes I made it home. Fml
There are Vine videos that have lasted longer than he did
He told me he loved me and then peed his own bed. So at least it was a memorable one night stand.
Tacos and sex are way better than any anti depressant pill ever was. I think I made a medical discovery here.
Something like; Dear Cupid, when are you going to send me someone to date that isn't a complete psychopath
I just puked on the sidewalk. At 11am. Thought you'd like to know.
Just found out I lit my hair on fire last night.
I'm listening to a women in metal station and wearing a flannel. I may have approached peak lesbian.
Randomize
