It wasn't long before I skipped the martini glass and went straight to drinking from the shaker.
eating mexican with the mother in law. this meal made her decide to tell us about her colon cleansing diet
im probably the most hungover person watchin icarly right now
Can I use you as a job reference? Don't tell them i got you fired cause I banged you tho
Man, just talk to her friend and help me out. Otherwise we go home alone
I'd rather jerk off with a hand full of bumble bees then talk to her
You're just horny.
Yea, and? I appreciate you as a person too if that helps.
Currently cooking 3lbs of bacon in case the power goes out bc if even one slice of bacon goes to waste then sandy wins
He barged in the room with no shirt on, all fucking ripped with a half keg under one arm. Sara now calls him Bronan the Beerbarian
Omg this is like trying to sleep on a pile of ballsacks.
I just climbed out the passenger side of my car because there was a spider on mine. I'm doing adulthood right
Did I fall on/off the boat yesterday? Cuz my right leg looks and feels like if it got hit by shrapnel.
I bet Billy Ray Cyrus wishes he had pulled out now....
Come back. Shots need mouths.
The man at the checkout said "Somebody's not fucking around".
It's gonna be a good night
Like sometimes I’ll be hangry but for dick
Randomize
