when I forget a girls name in bed I ask her her middle name then tell her i'm gonna call her that from now on
fuck. did you have to draw it on me with a permanent marker
did all my christmas shopping this morning at 4am drunk. never went to sleep. i was walking home drunk last night when i passed a target and saw 3 kids having a dance off. had to join. somehow they convinced me to go shoopping with them. i bought 4 disco balls and a lava lamp.
forgot a fork. i am eating fettucini alfredo with a comb that i rinsed off the the bathroom sink. eating alone in my car. life doesn't get any sadder than this
Jessi just used the excuse "it's not you it's me" to get out of getting a lap dance.
I just smoked my last bit of kief with a grill lighter. This is what crackheads must feel like.
You slow clapped the stripper last night.
There was booze on his face and I wanted it. I'm not sorry.
you started petting my head and said "there there, majestical unicorn. it won't be long before we get you back to neverland."
Soooo fucked this chick last night! While fucking she started talking into the fan on the side of my bed. Does that count as sex with a robot
Just jacked in the family restroom in the hospital while eating beef jerky and looking at reddit gone wild.
I shaved my asshole for you. You WILL fuck me tonight.
I woke up to pizza pinned to my wall. So that's that.
I'm really going to need you to stop yelling Campari.
I seriously just forgot to push down the toaster twice in a row \n\nSo I've been waiting 8 minutes for toaster strudels that I haven't even started... Too high
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