My only options right now are Herpes, Gay, or Vanilla.
when I woke up she was standing in the living room with a bottle of scotch because she is "allergic to hangovers"
I jsut got pulled over and passed the sobritaty test.
Good thing spelling doesn't count.
guess what. just found out I had mono. no wonder alcohol didn't taste good on nye
Is it a bad thing I remember to take my birth control when I stumble across guys I've had sex with on facebook?
OH MY GOD MY GRANDMA JUST SHOWED ME HER BOOB OH. MY. GOD.
Woke up in the front yard with a chalupa and a firecracker in my back pocket. It's what the founding fathers would want
The man who lives downstairs is fluent in Russian, and also a playboy. You should meet.
Well, thats the first guy to go to jail because of my vagina
Post that event on your timeline
Impressive. I've never gotten straight denied and then chased the guy naked out of my own apt. I'll remember that next time.
He said the pain stops when I get my shit together and stop being a drugged out alcoholic mess. Could have just said no.
The crowd is chanting "we want sex!" There's a man dressed as bacon. That is all
Apparently I give handjobs in my sleep. So that's interesting.
I don't know where I keep finding these guys, but mi power bottoms es su power bottoms.
If you had a good reason for throwing the toaster at the wall, now's a good time to tell someone. My parents are on their way back and you know my dad and his pop tarts.
Randomize
